I can't ever say that I was any kind of good big sister. I failed a lot at doing things that I should have when my brother and I were growing up. I remember that when I first realized he wasn't just some baby we could visit in the hospital, and in fact was going home with us... I hit him in the head... yeah, definitely not one of my most shining moments.
First of all, there is a seven to six year gap between my brother and I. He's currently 14, but for the most part I always struggled to remember what age he was until I hit college. When I was seven, before my brother had even turned a year old, our mother died due to the doctors giving her something she was allergic to. When I was fourteen and he was seven, our dad died after HIV from a bad needle (he gave blood to his girlfriend when he was younger) destroyed his immune system. Since then we lived with our paternal grandparents. I learned that my biological dad was not the one who had died but was living with a family elsewhere. That part doesn't matter so much, but sometimes I felt there was a small rift between my brother and I since then. Like he may think I was less of a sister now that we were only half siblings. Another thing we learned was that my grandfather was a mentally abusive drunk who liked to blame me for everything.
After everything that has happened, I can say that it has screwed me up a bit. Not to the point that it's noticeable by anyone else, but to the point that I feel like I feel like I can't be the person I used to be. The person I am can be so emotionally stunted that she ends up hurting people she cares for by either being overly harsh or too withdrawn. My brother is probably the person most effected by it.
I don't remember the last time I told my brother I loved him or that I was proud of him.
As kids, before and after the death of our dad, we were always the type of siblings that fought over everything. Some say that we were worse than normal siblings who fought. Part of my problem with him was that, from my perspective, he was my dad's favorite. Even when he'd do something bad, I would be the one who got in trouble for it because I didn't stop him or because he would say I did it. Sometimes I let myself take the blame. We were siblings after all, I felt we had to keep secrets for each other if one of us spilled something or broke something. The fighting hasn't really stopped until recently now that I'm at college and living in a dorm an hour away.
If there was anything I did for my brother, it was protect him. Whether it be some stupid, little kid calling him names or my grandpa turning the abuse his way, I always stepped in. Even when the bullies were bigger or older than me, I was always determined to keep him safe. I'm not fit and I'm 5'1", but I'd be beaten and bloody before I ever let something happen to my brother. Some would say this is a good thing, but I don't think it makes up for the lack of support I've given him any other time. I've never meant harm on my brother. Even when we were shoving each other or shouting harsh words, even when I wanted him to hurt for all the hurt I was feeling, I never really wanted him to be harmed. If anything, despite my jealousy, I want my brother to be a better person. I want him to get better grades, awards, reliable friends, go to a great university and become some awesome whatever he wants to be. I remember being mad once because nobody came to my BPA regional where I actually got first place in one of my competitions... but knowing that if I didn't go to every one of his track, soccer, or cross country meets then I'd get in trouble.
I would hold in all my anger for him, just like I do for everybody that I care about. I withdraw and let the anger simmer inside so I don't say something cruel. I know this is worse. I know one day I'll explode and make everything ten times worse, but I can't help myself. I don't like causing trouble with my friends and family. I've done it at home, I've done it with my friends (which my best friend isn't talking to me now because of it), and I've done it at work. I've had a fellow employee who was my friend at the time, blow up at me for a ridiculous misunderstanding, and by the time I was actually convinced to bring it to my boss's attention nothing could be done according to her. Boy did that bite me in the ass. I ended up feeling worse towards my fellow employee and employer than I had when I was trying to just ignore it until the point where there was so much arguing and negative tension going on, I just said screw it and quit. In the end I was missing two friends and out of a job.
A few months ago my brother said something to me about a discussion he had with a guy about homophobia. He said that during one of his magic tournaments, this 40 year old guy was bashing gay and homeless people, and telling my brother he was too foolish to know better. So my brother said he just told him to shut his trap and soundly wiped the floor with his ass during the game (minus the cuss words of course). I can honestly say, I've never felt more proud of him, because to me that said that my brother is growing up to be a good person. And yet, when I said so on facebook, I hid it from him. I don't know why. Giving verbal complements is difficult for me, same with touching people. It wasn't a problem before all the crap happened.
Shortly after that moment, my brother texted me, telling me that our grandpa was drunk... well my grandpa is always drunk, but I know what he meant by it. I felt absolutely awful because for once I wasn't around to draw the attention away. I couldn't even respond because I didn't know how to help when I was so far away. I'm scared my grandpa will ruin him like he did me. I'd tell somebody but to do that would mean that by brother may get taken away from my grandma and he needs her. I don't trust the other side of our family after all the custody battles I had to sit through while my dad was sick and dying. Anyone who can smile at you and talk like they aren't hurting someone who can't fight back isn't someone I'd ever want to live with. I don't know who my brother would be better off with, but I don't want to take away the support and roots he's made in the town he's lived in since he was seven. I've moved around at least 13 times growing up, those roots and bonds he's making are important; something I've certainly never been able to make.
I don't know what to do anymore. I can't always be there. Going to college was the first thing I ever really did for the sake of myself, and compared to the situation I've left my brother in, I feel selfish having done it. I've tried going to a counselor lately, but I'm afraid to tell her about my brother in case she does something about it. Another part of me feels like something like that should happen, but I'm too scared about what I don't know will happen afterward.
Last night my brother sent me a text telling me that he had been seeing a very scary shadow around; he said it was like a shadow had lifted itself off the wall and was walking around like a person. He also said he had been hearing voices telling him to do really bad things and having dreams where everyone he loved died or had their eyes and mouth sewn shut. He seems genuinely terrified. When I was 16, I had similar experiences, though I never told anyone. Still, it doesn't mean that it's paranormal, it could easily be his imagination or him trying to get my attention for something else. Whether I or anyone else believes in this stuff or not, what I do know is my brother is scared. I called my grandma today about it but he said later that she dismissed it for his imagination. He told me he was scared something bad was going to happen. I asked him if he wanted me to try and go home next weekend and he told me he didn't want me to leave him alone.
I have two more weeks before spring term gets out, then I have the summer until fall starts... but I don't know what to do. I don't want to come off as dismissing it like my grandma, but I don't want to make him more afraid either by going along with it. I can't be there all the time to protect him from bullies or ghosts anymore and honestly that makes me feel like the biggest failure of a sister that ever existed. Protecting my brother is the only good thing I felt I ever did with my life, and now that I can't I really don't know what I'm supposed to do. I can't ask my best friend for advice because she's ignoring me, and when I bring it up to family they just don't seem to care. My roommates will most likely brush it off like they do with every serious matter I bring up, and my other best friend will say, "Just tell him to ignore it." since that's her answer for everything. I feel like my brother is on an island all alone somewhere and I'm the person screaming for someone to help me rescue him, but nobody is giving a shit.
I don't know what to do anymore.
First of all, there is a seven to six year gap between my brother and I. He's currently 14, but for the most part I always struggled to remember what age he was until I hit college. When I was seven, before my brother had even turned a year old, our mother died due to the doctors giving her something she was allergic to. When I was fourteen and he was seven, our dad died after HIV from a bad needle (he gave blood to his girlfriend when he was younger) destroyed his immune system. Since then we lived with our paternal grandparents. I learned that my biological dad was not the one who had died but was living with a family elsewhere. That part doesn't matter so much, but sometimes I felt there was a small rift between my brother and I since then. Like he may think I was less of a sister now that we were only half siblings. Another thing we learned was that my grandfather was a mentally abusive drunk who liked to blame me for everything.
After everything that has happened, I can say that it has screwed me up a bit. Not to the point that it's noticeable by anyone else, but to the point that I feel like I feel like I can't be the person I used to be. The person I am can be so emotionally stunted that she ends up hurting people she cares for by either being overly harsh or too withdrawn. My brother is probably the person most effected by it.
I don't remember the last time I told my brother I loved him or that I was proud of him.
As kids, before and after the death of our dad, we were always the type of siblings that fought over everything. Some say that we were worse than normal siblings who fought. Part of my problem with him was that, from my perspective, he was my dad's favorite. Even when he'd do something bad, I would be the one who got in trouble for it because I didn't stop him or because he would say I did it. Sometimes I let myself take the blame. We were siblings after all, I felt we had to keep secrets for each other if one of us spilled something or broke something. The fighting hasn't really stopped until recently now that I'm at college and living in a dorm an hour away.
If there was anything I did for my brother, it was protect him. Whether it be some stupid, little kid calling him names or my grandpa turning the abuse his way, I always stepped in. Even when the bullies were bigger or older than me, I was always determined to keep him safe. I'm not fit and I'm 5'1", but I'd be beaten and bloody before I ever let something happen to my brother. Some would say this is a good thing, but I don't think it makes up for the lack of support I've given him any other time. I've never meant harm on my brother. Even when we were shoving each other or shouting harsh words, even when I wanted him to hurt for all the hurt I was feeling, I never really wanted him to be harmed. If anything, despite my jealousy, I want my brother to be a better person. I want him to get better grades, awards, reliable friends, go to a great university and become some awesome whatever he wants to be. I remember being mad once because nobody came to my BPA regional where I actually got first place in one of my competitions... but knowing that if I didn't go to every one of his track, soccer, or cross country meets then I'd get in trouble.
I would hold in all my anger for him, just like I do for everybody that I care about. I withdraw and let the anger simmer inside so I don't say something cruel. I know this is worse. I know one day I'll explode and make everything ten times worse, but I can't help myself. I don't like causing trouble with my friends and family. I've done it at home, I've done it with my friends (which my best friend isn't talking to me now because of it), and I've done it at work. I've had a fellow employee who was my friend at the time, blow up at me for a ridiculous misunderstanding, and by the time I was actually convinced to bring it to my boss's attention nothing could be done according to her. Boy did that bite me in the ass. I ended up feeling worse towards my fellow employee and employer than I had when I was trying to just ignore it until the point where there was so much arguing and negative tension going on, I just said screw it and quit. In the end I was missing two friends and out of a job.
A few months ago my brother said something to me about a discussion he had with a guy about homophobia. He said that during one of his magic tournaments, this 40 year old guy was bashing gay and homeless people, and telling my brother he was too foolish to know better. So my brother said he just told him to shut his trap and soundly wiped the floor with his ass during the game (minus the cuss words of course). I can honestly say, I've never felt more proud of him, because to me that said that my brother is growing up to be a good person. And yet, when I said so on facebook, I hid it from him. I don't know why. Giving verbal complements is difficult for me, same with touching people. It wasn't a problem before all the crap happened.
Shortly after that moment, my brother texted me, telling me that our grandpa was drunk... well my grandpa is always drunk, but I know what he meant by it. I felt absolutely awful because for once I wasn't around to draw the attention away. I couldn't even respond because I didn't know how to help when I was so far away. I'm scared my grandpa will ruin him like he did me. I'd tell somebody but to do that would mean that by brother may get taken away from my grandma and he needs her. I don't trust the other side of our family after all the custody battles I had to sit through while my dad was sick and dying. Anyone who can smile at you and talk like they aren't hurting someone who can't fight back isn't someone I'd ever want to live with. I don't know who my brother would be better off with, but I don't want to take away the support and roots he's made in the town he's lived in since he was seven. I've moved around at least 13 times growing up, those roots and bonds he's making are important; something I've certainly never been able to make.
I don't know what to do anymore. I can't always be there. Going to college was the first thing I ever really did for the sake of myself, and compared to the situation I've left my brother in, I feel selfish having done it. I've tried going to a counselor lately, but I'm afraid to tell her about my brother in case she does something about it. Another part of me feels like something like that should happen, but I'm too scared about what I don't know will happen afterward.
Last night my brother sent me a text telling me that he had been seeing a very scary shadow around; he said it was like a shadow had lifted itself off the wall and was walking around like a person. He also said he had been hearing voices telling him to do really bad things and having dreams where everyone he loved died or had their eyes and mouth sewn shut. He seems genuinely terrified. When I was 16, I had similar experiences, though I never told anyone. Still, it doesn't mean that it's paranormal, it could easily be his imagination or him trying to get my attention for something else. Whether I or anyone else believes in this stuff or not, what I do know is my brother is scared. I called my grandma today about it but he said later that she dismissed it for his imagination. He told me he was scared something bad was going to happen. I asked him if he wanted me to try and go home next weekend and he told me he didn't want me to leave him alone.
I have two more weeks before spring term gets out, then I have the summer until fall starts... but I don't know what to do. I don't want to come off as dismissing it like my grandma, but I don't want to make him more afraid either by going along with it. I can't be there all the time to protect him from bullies or ghosts anymore and honestly that makes me feel like the biggest failure of a sister that ever existed. Protecting my brother is the only good thing I felt I ever did with my life, and now that I can't I really don't know what I'm supposed to do. I can't ask my best friend for advice because she's ignoring me, and when I bring it up to family they just don't seem to care. My roommates will most likely brush it off like they do with every serious matter I bring up, and my other best friend will say, "Just tell him to ignore it." since that's her answer for everything. I feel like my brother is on an island all alone somewhere and I'm the person screaming for someone to help me rescue him, but nobody is giving a shit.
I don't know what to do anymore.